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Everyday self care

lady holding mug of tea

Caring for a baby can be really hard, there may be big changes in your life, your identity, relationships, your sleep, and your emotions.

Taking care of yourself, both mentally and physically, is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for your baby. This will help you have the energy you need to take care of yourself, your baby and any other family members.

But it’s not easy; just finding the time to have a shower for yourself can be a challenge with a newborn.

In this section, we explore simple self-care tips and activities for looking after yourself day-to-day which may help you to prevent feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

Everyday self-care and wellbeing

Three important aspects of looking after your well-being to focus on are:

  • pleasure
  • accomplishment
  • connection

When we experience these, it is good for our mood.

Write a list of pleasures

Some may be unobtainable right now with a little baby. But some pleasures may be simple: a cup of tea, a bath, favourite ice cream. Pleasure can be in the form of comfort too – comfy clothes, a blanket or hot water bottle.

Do the same for accomplishment

Remember with a little baby, or a toddler, lots of things are less easy to accomplish. Doing any task – hanging out the washing, sorting out a bill are big successes. It is important to shift your expectations after having a baby and to aim to be good enough. Babies benefit from good enough mums. If you were a perfect mum, it would not help your baby prepare for the world and the world and their experiences of it would be very difficult to make sense of!

And finally, connection

Try to see a friend, talk to someone on the phone, meet someone you care about, regularly. Whilst it is difficult to have long conversations when you are looking after a baby, company can help. Sharing worries but also finding the humour in whatever is going on can be good for us.

Some people find it helpful to have a list that includes at least one of each of these aspects: pleasure, accomplishment and connection. It can be useful to aim to do one thing which fits within these categories each day.

It is important that it is realistic, to work out if it is, it can be helpful to think about what you would say to a friend who wrote your list. We often find we are more kind to a friend that we are to ourselves.

 

More information

Putting social support in place

Many of the healthiest societies parent in communities. Parenting in isolation and loneliness is very hard. Who in your social world can you rely on and trust?

Asking for help is ok.

Many people are really happy to help, just as you may be if a friend asked for your assistance.

Having company whilst parenting can make it feel a lot easier.

Feeling isolated is a common experience for new mothers. If you are feeling lonely, don’t hesitate to let someone know how you’re feeling. Many mothers have the same feelings. Talk to your partner, your best friend, a relative, or even your doctor or health visitor. Sharing your experiences, even those of isolation, can help you feel less alone. The person you’re talking to may have ideas on how you can connect with people more, too. Think about your own social support network and who you can reach out to if you are feeling low or alone.

Meeting other parents is really useful. It helps you get to know people and build a support network, but also understand more about children and top tips. Many people do not want to go to groups, but it can be good for your baby and good for you. Your health visitor can help you find groups to go to. Groups should be friendly and welcoming places. It can take a few goes to find the one that is right for you.

If you are in a relationship with a partner, that may change a lot after having a baby. This can be disconcerting, as you have to navigate new ways of being together. It is not always easy to find time for one another, but trying to make sure you have time to connect, support one another and laugh together, can be very helpful. Sometimes, doing something together that you can both enjoy is more effective than talking, although talking can also help you understand more about one another.

Sometimes, if we have had a difficult past, having a baby can make us yearn for relationships with certain people that are very different to those we actually experienced. Sometimes big shifts take place after a baby and families can heal, but sometimes it is not possible, and it is important we protect our babies in ways that perhaps we were not protected.

 

Activities

Mindfulness

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a practice which helps us to be in the present moment. It can be useful as it allows us to not get in to a knot of thinking, ruminating and worrying about the future, what was and what might be. It involves skills of noticing what is happening right now, without judgement. You can describe the moment to yourself with curiosity and interest, but staying in the present moment rather than this leading to anything else. It involves focusing and participating fully in one thing at a time, with full attention. Mindfulness can help give our minds some space so that we are less likely to react impulsively. Mindfulness is quite different from most people’s normal way of living and like any new skill takes practice.

Mindfulness videos:   

 


One of the useful things about mindfulness is that it is judgement free.

Compassionate recognition

Having a baby can be a time where we and others can make a lot of judgments.

For example:

Angie is a new mum; her baby has had a tricky night and so neither have slept. It is midday and neither are dressed, and Angie is so tired she has not washed up. Exhaustion means that Angie feels grotty and fed-up. Angie looks out of the window and sees another mum walk by with a baby. This mum is dressed and walking purposively, smiling at her baby. Angie may make a series of judgments: I am useless, my baby is bad, her baby is good, she has an easy life, being a mother is rubbish, I am letting everyone down…

None of these judgments will help Angie feel less tired and they will probably make her feel bad about herself. This won’t help her or her baby and will make motherhood feel much harder. What judgments do you make?

A useful strategy is to ask yourself “What would I say to a friend?” – this can help us to be more fair and compassionate to ourselves.

Often mums feel guilt – they want to do their best for their baby and want the best for their baby and that is very demanding. Nobody can achieve their best all the time. Nobody can get the best for their baby all the time. Society also has very demanding messages for mums, and this can add to the guilt mums feel. Sometimes writing down these thoughts can be helpful. Start with those you are more comfortable with and maybe work your way down. Imagine a friend or someone you care for deeply sharing these, how would you react? What would you say?

Compassionate recognition

  1. Recognise the difficulty – I am exhausted and finding caring for a baby challenging
  2. Recognise you are human – this is an experience that others share
  3. Respond with kindness – this is a tough moment and right now rather than worrying about the washing up not being done, I need some rest.
  4. Sometimes it can be useful to also recognise, “All this will pass,” – this is true of every moment, the best and the worst. It can help you focus on the good moments and breathe through the difficult ones.
  5. Sometimes to be kind to ourselves we also need to take action. A change in how we do something, a shift in relationships, and different priorities may need to be made.

Acting with compassion towards ourselves takes practice as we need to build new pathways in our brains. When we practice being more compassionate, we can also think about this in terms of our babies and others – so we are more compassionate towards them. It is a great skill with lots to offer.

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