Mutual gaze and attending together

Premature baby lying on fathers chest and looking up into fathers face

mother and baby looking at each other as baby lies in her arms

Mum looks to where her baby is pointing out something of interest

In the early weeks of a baby’s life they don’t need anything but people to interest them. Their parent(s), their siblings, and other special people will be fascinating to your baby. Gazing into each other’s eyes will be hugely pleasurable for your baby; you will both release oxytocin which feels good and helps baby’s brain grow – just by simply looking into each other’s eyes.

As your baby gets older, after about 3 months, they become more and more interested in the world around them – this supports them to learn about the world and shows how curious they are. You are still really important to them, but sometimes you may feel a bit rejected. Remember, their interest in all that is going on around them is part of their development.

What are babies interested in?

Until babies are around 3 months old they are most interested in looking at people’s faces and they enjoy chatting, copying and being copied.

Toys are not nearly as interesting to them as people. Even when they become more interested in everything around them you will see babies are very sociable.

See how this baby loves to chat to Dad.

As babies get older, they want to explore objects, but they don’t need expensive toys – saucepans and spoons, cardboard boxes, a basket with things to put in and take out, things to chew on, things to balance on top of one another, a piece of material with a label on it, a crinkly piece of plastic – as long as they are safe, you can find all sorts of interesting things for babies to explore. Many toys make lots of noise – hold the toy near your ear and listen to it repeatedly – does it make you feel calm, relaxed, interested, or happy? If not, it may not be something your baby wants to hear much of either.

Watch this baby happily playing with toys in a bowl of water.

More information

Watch the video below of the mothers and practitioner talking about mutual gaze and why it’s so amazing.

The development of eye gaze

Eye gaze develops in leaps and bounds when it comes to babies:

Within 7 hours after birth infants take a remarkable interest in their mothers’ faces and have been shown to imitate facial expressions made by caregivers.
Between 6-10 weeks, baby begins to direct their eyes more intentionally by looking directly at their caregiver and holding the gaze with eyes widening.

By making eye contact, the baby is demonstrating that they knows what a face is, that their brain is registering a familiar face and that they understand that facial expressions can indicate how a person is feeling.

How can parents encourage eye contact?

Mutual gaze between parents and babies is natural and joyful. Here are some points to remember:

Periods of mutual eye gaze can be very short in babies. Don’t expect a long and focused look.
You can’t force a baby to form eye contact, especially when baby is hungry, tired or upset. Mutual gaze is more likely when baby is content and alert.
In the first few months of life, holding the baby at about 30 centimeters away from the parent’s face helps eye gaze and focus.
When baby is staring directly at the parent it is an opportunity to interact – you could simply smile, mirror their expressions, sing gently, or join in a conversation with your baby making sure that you give time to listen to your baby and let them reply. These meaningful interactions are registered in the baby’s mind and impact their development.

The human face is a strong visual stimulus – babies sometimes just need a break from the wealth of information it offers. When babies turn their heads away or avert their gaze it is not a sign of dislike or rejection but rather a way of saying “I’ve had enough for now, I need some time to process it all”.

It is important to respect baby’s sensory capacity. Some babies are more sensitive to sensory stimulation and might avoid eye contact more often. Other babies may enjoy more intense stimulation in order to focus and will enjoy more noticeable gestures and funny faces.

Activities

Mutual Gaze 0 - 2 months

As you sit quietly, notice when your baby becomes alert, and looks at you. Look back into your baby’s eyes. Notice when your baby wants to look away again.

Mutual gaze

Follow your baby’s cues – when they show they have had enough and look away, or close their eyes, take your gaze away too and let your baby have a break.

Mutual gaze

It can be very intense looking into one another’s eyes. Your baby may need a short break to allow themselves to manage the intensity.

When they are ready they may look back to you for more – it does feel good!

Wait, and wonder, and enjoy gazing back again. Or perhaps your baby needs a change and that is ok too.

Diary

Note down how it felt when you and your baby shared time gazing into each other’s eyes. How did it feel? Did you notice when your baby needed to look away or disengage? Did your baby come back for more?

Mutual Gaze 2 months +

In a quiet alert moment: try mirroring some of baby’s facial expressions and note how they respond, take turns chatting – give baby time to respond, it can be hard work for baby. You can find out more about this in the mirroring your baby section.

mother and baby looking at each other as baby lies in her arms

Very young babies engage in conversations: they take turns with you when you speak and wait for you to reply when they speak. When your baby is giving engagement cues, take some time to chat, and notice the back and forth. Babies thrive on interaction and learn lots from conversations that you have with them.

When do you chat with your baby?
How did it feel when you and your baby shared time gazing into each other’s eyes?
Did you notice when your baby needed to look away or disengage?
Did your baby come back for more?

Some parents feel guilty about ‘just’ spending time with their baby. But the following passage describes some amazing things that take place during mutual gaze that may make you feel less guilty as your recognise its value:

Summarising Schore’s research, Gerhardt (2004) writes – “When the baby looks at the mother, he reads her dilated pupils as information that her sympathetic nervous system is aroused as she is experiencing pleasurable arousal. In response his arousal occurs, his heart rate goes up and results in a biochemical response. A pleasurable neuropeptide called beta-endorphin is releases into the circulation and specifically into the orbitofrontal region of the brain. Endogenous (opioids) are known to help neurons grow, by regulating glucose and insulin. They also make you feel good. At the same time dopamine is released from the brainstem and makes its way to the prefrontal cortex. This too enhances the uptake of glucose there, helping new tissue to grow in the prefrontal brain. Dopamine probably also feels good and it is energising and stimulating and is involved in the anticipation of reward. Thus, the gaze is triggering off the pleasurable bio-chemicals that actually help the social brain to grow”

Attending together

Around 3 months old you will notice your baby is more interested in things around them. They like to look at things and will be trying to reach and explore things. They like to know you are near and are interested too.

Dad and child pointing together up into the sky Dad and child pointing togher Mum looks to where her baby is pointing out something of interest

Follow what your baby is interested in, point and chat about what they may be looking at. Your baby will love to know you are sharing interest.

Ready to Relate toolkit