What do you think was going on in the minds of these little people?
It is really important to understand that babies and young children do not have the brain development to exercise much self-control.
Often bigger babies and young children do understand when they should not do something, however, are not able to stop themselves – this is because parts of their brain, such as the anterior cingulate cortex, are not well enough developed.
As your baby gets a bit older – maybe a toddler or older – you may know that your baby understands what you say but does not necessarily follow your instruction, particularly if it is something which they really want to do.
For example, if they find something interesting or fascinating that you do not want them to touch, they do not have the brain control to resist the attraction.
Sometimes we can think they are being naughty. If we understand that their brain is not able to override their desire to do something, we can be more understanding.
Behaviour as communication
It can be useful to remember that behaviour is a communication. For example, when a baby cries, they are communicating; when a toddler lies on the floor, kicking and screaming because they want a particular cereal, they are communicating. When a child shows aggression, it can be really hard for a parent, but that child is still using behaviour to communicate something, even if they will need to work out different ways of behaving.
In tricky moments of parenting, take a moment and wonder ‘What is my child trying to communicate through this particular behaviour?’ Babies and young children can experience very big feelings that they need to express. They don’t have the same understanding of the world as adults and need to feel safe. Behaviour can be an expression of the feelings inside and a way of trying to make sense of these and the things that the child has experienced. If a child has had an upsetting experience, this can affect their behaviour. If you stay curious and kind, you can help your child work through these. Helping your child feel safe and understand their big feelings helps you child and together you can work out new ways of behaving which are better for them and others.
Tips to avoid conflict
Here are some things which may help:
- If you have items you do not want your child to touch, keep them out of your child’s sight and reach where at all possible.
- Have some other items to hand that your child can touch and play with – favourite toys or household items (keys, wooden spoon, pans)
- What your child will enjoy most of all is your attention and involvement – play with your child and show interest in the things they can play with. This avoids conflict as much as possible.
More information
In a family situation, it may be that the child wants to play with your phone or other device. This is something they see you using so are going to want to explore too. Whatever your child watches you do, they will want to do too. They are interested in you.
Even if they know they should not touch the item, they may not be able to resist. This often ends in conflict and upset. If we can understand what our child is able to do and is not able to do yet, we can make the environment more enjoyable for us all and avoid this type of conflict. This way we are more compassionate.
You can find out more about this by watching this film
Positive attention helps your baby thrive and learn
When you have been told you have done something well you may notice that you want to do it again. Babies and children like their efforts to be recognised and enjoy praise. Babies and children need attention, it helps them thrive, learn and feel seen.
If children don’t get attention they will resort to whatever strategies they have learnt to get attention – even if the attention is negative.
By getting into the habit with your baby of noticing positive things your baby does and letting your baby know this, you are beginning to reinforce positive behaviour. This feels good for your baby and will stand you in go stead for managing behaviour in an older child.
Activities
Activity 1 - Watch the marshmallow experiment
This experiment is carried out with the parent’s permission. We do not suggest you do this with your child as it can be upsetting.
The child is settled into a room and given a marshmallow on a plate. The child is told that if they do not eat it for 10 minutes whilst they are by themselves, they will then be given another marshmallow when the adult comes back into the room.
The children understands the instructions and would easily tell any other child to not eat marshmallow.
When the adult is out of the room the child is filmed.
Look how hard the children try to resist the marshmallow. One little boy grits his teeth looks away, and holds his head in his hands, as we can see, he has to exert all his willpower to not eat the marshmallow.
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What does this experiment show?
The children in the experiment were around 3-5 years old and it was very, very tough for them. They understood the instructions but it used all their energy to resist the marshmallow – and some of them couldn’t.
The younger the child the tougher this experiment would be. A part of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex is involved in self-control. Young children’s anterior cingulate cortex is not well developed and so they simply do not have the brain development to be able to exercise the self-control needed to resist the marshmallow.
What does this mean for parenting?
It means we can’t expect young children to exercise self-control, even if we know they follow the instructions. If we don’t want the child to touch the marshmallow, we need to put it up high! If we tell our child not to touch something or play with something that they are fascinated by or that they see us touch a lot, they are probably not going to be able to resist until they are quite a lot older, and even then it will be very hard work. It is not that our child is being difficult, doing it on purpose or that they are naughty – it is their brain.
Remember, even as adults it can be difficult exercising self-control when we really, really want something.
Activity 3 - Understanding motivation
Your children’s appreciation of how amazing the world is, also means they are even more motivated to do some things – like run freely, jump up and down, and climb. Running is so fun!! It feels so amazing when you are little and run along, having to breathe deeply and fast, the excitement of making your legs move quickly, your arms moving to help speed and support you, the air whizzing by on your face and hair, it is exhilarating!
Making sense of another person’s mind and intentions can help us to be compassionate – we are able to put ourselves in the other person’s ‘shoes’. When we are able to do this with our baby, we are mind-minded and we begin to be more compassionate to our baby.
Look at this little baby, they have been playing with some cream. Imagine how great it felt to squelch in, soft and cool, it probably smelt good. This little baby probably sees their parent use the cream regularly – so they will see the cream as special and they may have felt quite important using it like their parent does. We can also imagine that the parent may have felt a bit fed up about the cleaning they need to do. If they think their child did it on purpose, was careless or naughty, they probably feel even worse. If they think their child was exploring, having a luscious sensory play and trying to be like them, they will be making a more appropriate interpretation of their child and they may feel less fed up.
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